I Reject the Term Stage Mom

I am a mother. That’s it. Plain and simple.  My job is to mother my children in all facets of their beings. This is the primary reason I reject the term stage mom, and I utilize the term stage advocate instead. I cringe every time I hear a woman call herself a stage mom, or even worse see a woman title herself a stage mom in her hashtags, email addresses, or twitter names.  What happens to a mom’s identity if her child stops wanting to perform? Our title as mom should not be linked to what our child “does”.  I don’t see my siblings or friends hash tagging soccer mom or chess mom or ballet mom as if it is their sole identity.

We all know that “stage mom” carries with it negative connotations, and for good reason. We can remember the story of Gypsy and her crazy Mama Rose.  I have seen it fifty percent of the time when parents are too invested in their child’s performing successes and endeavors  and demonstrate that their own self worth as a parent is too tightly woven into their child. “Most important, Diller says, these kids grow up with fragile self-esteem. ‘They feel loved only when serving the needs of the parent.’ When they stop receiving that reward, they can crash and seek solace in substances. Feeling that approval is ever-conditional, children of stage moms grow up constantly looking for accolades from others.” ( Psychology Today, Field Guide to the Stage Mom: The Pusher, May 2013)

I won’t call myself a stage mom because my children are mutli-dimensional. If I were to call myself a stage mom, I would also have to call myself a scholar mom, a chess mom, a skateboard mom, a video editing mom, a french fry mom,….you get the idea. I choose to be an advocate for my children in all their pursuits and endeavors.  In that sense, my duties as a stage advocate involve keeping family first, considering performance as a hobby, stressing education, measuring my children’s pride and humility, validating my child’s character and self-worth for internal traits, balancing the needs of siblings, accepting rejection for my child, staying steadfast in my values and moral compass, monitoring what is best for my child each step of the way, and preparing for the possibility that my child may abandon performing altogether and grow up to be an engineer or taxidermist or airline pilot. My ultimate job is always to raise a human being- not a performer. Thus, just call me a mom please.

 

 

 

 

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The Three R’s for your child’s start in showbiz: Start by Reading, Researching and Reaching Out

As parents, we should never be asked to pay another parent or child care giver for advice on anything. If there are specific professional services another parent or professional may provide to our child such as academic tutoring, website design, or dance lessons, that is another story. It seems to me that the term “expert” is often thrown around loosely in relation to kids in show business. I have three kids in the business who have collectively been in over 50 professional projects over the last ten years, but yet I am in NO WAY an expert in the business. Every project is different; every child is different; every pathway to success be it on Broadway, film, television, or voice overs is different. There is no formula for the Broadway “home run” that one can pay to receive.

With that said, there are true experts in the business who can offer paid expert advice and help for your child in the Broadway world. And, there are DOZENS of parents who have multiple kids in the industry with multiple credits who also offer advice and wisdom to others freely and with an open heart, but this can be done over a cup of coffee, facebook messaging, or a lunch date rather than an expensive seminar.   The logistics of navigating a performing child’s needs and even New York City go far beyond what can be taught in a two-hour class with folks who might not even have the true inside scoop or expertise they claim to have. Since most of us have limited resources, and the number one thing to know about showbiz is it is EXPENSIVE TO PURSUE, it is important to consider how to best spend our money.

So, with that stated where is a place that folks new to the Broadway scene and even seasoned families can turn? Here is a small list of legitimate, professional resources for families and kids. It is in no way exhaustive, but it certainly gets you started. And, guess what, this information is FREE.

The best place to start is to read Nancy Carson’s book Raising a Star. For much less than, say $175 for a two hour session, you can get a printed manual and how to guide for your child pursuing Broadway or other forms of the entertainment industry. In fact, you can buy it here at Amazon for less than ten dollars. https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Star-Parents-HelpingTelevision/dp/0312329865  Another great resource from an industry insider is a book by experienced casting director, Jen Rudin entitled Confessions of a Casting Director, again for less than ten dollars on Amazon.com. https://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Casting-Director-Secrets-Audition/dp/0062292099  An additional “how to” book has been written by a former child Broadway star, Henry Hodges, entitled How To Act Like a Kid. http://www.henryhodges.com/book

These three industry insiders alone offer a wealth of accurate, helpful and honest advice to families in the business. It is a parent’s job to do the research and do the work to help your child. Start by reading, researching and reaching out to friends you know who have kids in the biz. That’s the beginning.

A more direct benefit to your child in the industry is of course training and contact with people who really can help them along. If your child does not have an agent or manager, that is a next step. One group that I have found to help match children with agents and managers is A Class Act NY. This company, run by Jessica Rofe Grosman, offers an abundance of classes and workshops, but one of the most beneficial to the newbie are the agent and manager showcases she offers. These are LEGIT. Excellent agents and managers come and scout for new clients, and dozens of kids have been placed with agencies through this process. http://www.aclassactny.com/ ( One of the on camera classes my children attended offered a parent session at the end, and we learned so much useful information about self-taping that we put to use the next day, and our son booked his first film using that information.)

Some other organizations and people who are also insiders in the business as much as coaches are listed below. These are people who have years of professional experience behind them. They know what it REALLY takes for a child to make it on Broadway. Some of these people do training and some do seminars for parents, teaching us the expectations and responsibilities of the Broadway child. ( On a side note, Broadway is only one small set of stages a child may perform on and information on showbiz in general is probably more beneficial in the long run to most families.) Please follow up and research any group or person on the list. Keep in mind that this list is not all encompassing. It is simply a good start for parents who are seeking some direction.

Acting

Actors Connection https://www.actorsconnection.com/

Actors Technique NY http://actorstechniqueny.com/

Denise Simon http://denisesimoncoaching.com/

Diane Hardin http://www.dianehardinacting.com/

Jodi PrusanCoaches Kids https://www.facebook.com/Jody-Prusan-Coaches-Kids-344104809093327/

The Actors Green Room http://www.theactorsgreenroom.com/

Voice

Bob Marks http://www.bobmarks.com/

Lisa Franklin http://www.lisafranklinonline.com/vocal-studios.html

Casey Erin Clark https://www.facebook.com/caseyvoicestudio/

Trapper Felides  https://www.facebook.com/trapper.felides

Musical Theater

Broadway Artists Alliance http://www.broadwayartistsalliance.org/

Broadway Dreams Foundation http://broadwaydreams.org/

The Broadway Workshop http://www.broadwayworkshop.com/

Theater Development Fund https://www.tdf.org/—Education

Random Farms Kids’ Theater http://www.randomfarms.com/

Connecticut Resources

Voice- Billy DiCrosta http://www.billydicrosta.com/

Musical Theater all inclusive studio- Star2Be http://www.star2bperformingarts.com/

 

Growing up Broadway

I steal the title for this blog post from a reality show that once could’ve documented my life and the lives of several friends of mine…Thank goodness it never came to fruition because there are things that people wouldn’t believe could possibly be true, yet on the other hand, the day to day workings of child performers’ families can be as banal as any other family’s day to day workings.

Tonight, or really this morning (almost two a.m.) I sit here still sort of in awe of the invited dress rehearsal of a show I saw tonight- my son’s latest project Off-Broadway with a cast and creative team and band and crew that are the top of the top.  I am trying to process what is different about this show, this experience, not just for him, but for me as well. Why is the impact of a short run show so great, when he has been in shows for over six months to even almost a year at a time?

I think it is because for both of us, even though he is only fourteen, it is the first time he is working more as an adult. The irony of having kids do this sort of thing is in some ways they grow up really fast, and in other ways they can stay sheltered and young. He has leapt that fence. It is the first time I could stand completely back, 100% and let him do his thing. Heck, I even left the country for a short Caribbean vacation during rehearsals. He is just doing what needs to be done, loving every minute of it, embracing his cast mates, taking direction and BEING! It’s really quite amazing to see him fly. I think he feels it too; it’s just different this time, better in so many ways.

This morning, I knew for certain this was the case.  Unrelated to showbiz, he has been going to the orthodontist on his own now for several months, and he made an appointment for this morning at 8 a.m. knowing he would have rehearsal today and need to be available by ten a.m. I slept in, and at 9 a.m. he texted me and told me his next appointment was on August 17. He had gotten up and taken care of his teeth all on his own. It might seem like a small thing, and in the scope of life it is. But what it said to me was, I love this show and I am responsible enough to get done what needs to be done. I had even offered to reschedule the night before.

I am pretty sure that many activities can afford this sort of discipline or commitment to inspire kids in the same way. But I know the passion he feels for this current project just spills over into his life in such a positive way.  I cannot really complain, can I?  For my kids, growing up on Broadway and with Broadway aspirations from a very young age has given them the confidence to be who they are and the discipline to know how to get things done.

Maybe I was in awe tonight because right before my eyes, I saw my little boy change into a young man. I have witnessed the progression, but  couldn’t really see the transformation, and tonight I saw it. I saw that with the guidance and inspiration and direction and mentorship of an amazing creative team, cast, band, production team, and crew, that my once little goofy, nervous guy is now a confident young man on that stage, and even more so in life.

 

 

 

 

Even if They’re Little…They Will Grow Up

Last weekend, my son was sitting in the hallway of a dance studio where many showbiz kid “regulars” attend. I started receiving texts from him thanking me for not being like those “moms”. Apparently some mommas were discussing the height of their children, in inches of course per regular stage criteria, and lamenting that they are too tall for anything on stage ( most specifically Broadway).  He was amused, and alarmed all at the same time.  He told me he so wanted to speak up and tell those mommas to STOP, that height, yes, is one factor but there is so much more to life and performing than this.

I have written along this theme before about the kids growing up, but I think it is an important topic needing to be discussed from all angles.  All of our children will grow up. It is inevitable. It is forthcoming. It is scary. And, it is beautiful. Your 4’3″ ( 51″) little guy at age ten might just become your 5’8″ guy at age 14 like mine has become. It is the law of nature, and they grow how they grow as time passes. Voices change; body parts develop; minds expand. It’s really pretty awesome!

So this short piece is more about encouraging the mommas and daddies out there to be fearless while watching your children grow. Don’t worry and don’t lament when your child grows out of a role or grows beyond the height requirements of a specific show. It really is OK. We aren’t raising just children,and more specifically we aren’t raising child actors, we are raising kids who will eventually become happy and healthy adults. Our kids may or may not become “the next big thing”. And that is ok too. Constantly commenting and assessing our children’s heights won’t change anything. Time marches on.

As I have said before, what we can change is our attitude toward our child’s growth and development. Focus on what they can do and not what roles they might have grown or aged out of… And yes, there are opportunities out there for taller children, sometimes even in a Broadway show or feature film. It is good to be realistic, but it is not good to be self-defeating in assuming there are not opportunities for your kiddos.

As much as a child is a certain “type” for roles, just like adult actors are, our job as parents is to not allow them to follow into always leaning on or playing to that “type” at any given time.  What I mean is this, it is more important for your child to grow as a person and a human being than it is to stay ever small and ever young, playing a cute little kid. Cute only lasts so long.  Children have the distinct advantage of being able to grow and change and try out new things and new roles as their body grows along with them. Help your children do this at any age. There is no need for any child to feel he or she has lost or missed opportunities. There is always more to come. I certainly don’t want my eleven year old to think she is finished because she happens to be over five feet tall. We look ahead, and we look to the future.

Having been down this road myself and still continuing on, I can say with complete honesty that as difficult as it may be, it really is marvelous to watch our once once teeny tiny guy grow into a competent performer. All of our kids will grow up, whether they were once a pint-sized Broadway star or a MineCraft expert. But in the world of showbiz, the stakes are so high, and heights are measured, recorded and announced in inches. As parents, we can try to forget that our kid may be 58.5″ and remember what a cool kid she is growing into!

The Difference Between “Pushing” and Supporting A Performing Child

Because I have three kids who are professional performers of varying degrees, I often hear people either directly stating or implying that we have pushed them into this, or that others with kids in the biz are somehow pushing their kids to do this.  Let me assure you that we are in no way forcing our kids to perform, and in fact, it would be much easier and cheaper if they chose to take up less demanding hobbies without such high stakes.

After spending almost the last ten years with my oldest son in the entertainment industry and the other two following in his footsteps, I do have some decent experience under my belt in this arena of guiding my children “down the right road” when it comes to their performance opportunities.  I personally believe the difference between pushing children and helping them to push themselves is often hard to distinguish to the outsider, but the behavior of the children can often tell the real story.

For example, I believe that if a child is showing any physical symptoms of not wanting to be performing, it is definitely time for a parent and the caregivers of the child actor to take a step back and examine what they are doing to this child. “When kids are pushed and suffer stress, they also experience anxiety and depression, which can surface as physical symptoms like headaches and stomach pain, says psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini, author of ‘Parents Ask,’ a monthly advice column for ‘Houston Family’ magazine.”

I have had to carefully examine my children for physical signs of exhaustion since their schedules can be full of late nights and multiple obligations. When they have become too tired for whatever reason, it is time that I pull back and rethink what their schedule was at the time.  I cannot force them to go to an audition or performance when their little bodies can’t even wake up.  On the flip side, if they are just in a funk or hypothetically engrossed in their favorite Netflix show when it is time to go to the show,audition or lesson I can coax them into getting to their obligations.  This is not so much pushing because I know once they get there they have fun and enjoy their time.

The same can be true for lessons. I do support their interests by scheduling lessons for them. And even though they all love performing, truth be told, they don’t all jump up and down and beg for lessons.  I don’t do this to push them, but I do it to help them train and also prepare for auditions, and because they always love the lessons and their teachers once they are there. I think it is more the amount or excessiveness to the lessons that can factor into whether or not one is pushing.  None of my children go to any type of lesson every day nor do they go to coaching for every single audition. A really awesome fact now that they are getting older, and have lots of training under their belts, is I can often consult them on what lessons they may need for upcoming auditions or projects.  I can often put them in the driver’s seat when it comes to their own needs for performing. This has really helped take the pressure off me in even needing to “push” them for their training.  But, this has developed over many years of me formerly doing all the scheduling and coaxing and even sometimes gentle bribing to get them where they needed to be.

Unfortunately, I have seen children in different settings where my children have performed or trained, who quite obviously did not want to be there. The very first modeling job my son went on at age five was shared with a boy who threatened to cut the pockets off of the wrangler as he was screaming at her. Needless to say, he wasn’t asked back on the dozen or so subsequent shoots my son did over the years. ( The irony was the boy’s mom was telling me in the green room how she hoped her son would get a six figure contract so SHE could quit her job. TRUE STORY that happened nine years ago.) That momma was definitely pushing since her motive was fame and fortune for her young, uninterested yet adorable son.

I have witnessed kids literally rolling on the floor in dance class, or even worse, sitting outside the room bawling their eyes out. Now come on! Mom or dad should take that child home and not force them to do something that is truly upsetting the child.  I am not saying my kids are perfect, but I can say with one hundred percent honesty that none of my three have ever cried at a dance class, voice lesson, in rehearsal or at an audition. (Although my two little ones did have a lovely knock down drag out fist fight once while they were waiting for their older brother to audition.–That’s a topic for another blog.wink wink.)

And then there is the poor kid outside of the audition room either being forced to run sides or sing their song by momma or daddy right there in the waiting room.  That to me seems a little pushy. Really. I don’t even blur the lines and coach my kids at home. If it is something they need to work on, they get a coaching session with a professional.  I don’t push them to do their material in any certain manner. That’s not my job. My job is to be their mom.-not their stage mom.

Do I support my kids? I most certainly do by scheduling their lessons, getting their materials printed, schlepping them where they need to be, and looking for opportunities for them to enrich their lives.  But I certainly hope they do not grow up feeling that I pushed them to be in showbiz. Because more than anything, I want my kids to feel I helped them achieve their dreams and goals and did not push them to meet my expectations of who and what they are to become…..

 

 

 

 

 

The Dead Zone- STOP SAYING THAT

I don’t know about you if you have a teenager, but my teen son is certainly not dead, and in fact, he is more alive than ever! So why do several folks call the early teen years the “dead zone” for kids in showbiz? Many call it this because in the industry, it is more likely for a young looking legal 18 year old to be hired than a kid of 14-17 to play that age range.  This is merely a financial decision for the most part.  Hiring a “legal 18” actor saves beaucoup bucks! No wrangler or tutors are needed. That is two salaries right there eliminated, not to mention that on tour, no parental guardian is needed which then saves even a third chunk of money the company does not need to shell out. Plus, child labor laws and shortened work hours will not come into play either.  But that said, my child is certainly not dead, and therefore I refuse to believe he is in a dead zone. I think the term is derogatory. I’d like to reframe it and say that my son is in his time of transition. He is going from little boy to young man in many more ways than just performing.  Teens have a lot to be gained and offered by pursuing showbiz at any level. There are so many things teens can be doing.

Teens can use this “transition” time to train, train and train. Did I mention they can be training?  This is a great time for kiddos to take more dance classes and proper voice lessons and acting workshops if they so desire. Teens should use their independence to nurture their relationships with folks they have met along the way and make connections with people who have influenced them.  Whether your child is a full fledged Broadway star or a community theater performer with the drive and love for  it, they have met many interesting people on their journey.  This is one of the coolest things I have watched unfold. I love seeing my son reaching out to people he admires or has built friendships with. Your child can go see these folks’ shows, reach out via social and make these connections all on their own.

There are certainly still performance opportunities. On the professional level, teens do still book commercials and voice-overs and television and stage shows. There are roles out there, just far fewer than before. The trick is that your child just has to be willing to audition and not be defeated if the roles don’t come as quickly and freely as when he or she was ten.  So teens can still audition, and they should if it’s what they want to do. At the community theater level, many shows will even cast teens in lead roles. I see wonderful postings of friends’ children from all over the country where kids are doing beautiful shows. Those teens certainly don’t look “dead” to me. In addition, teens are often such polished performers. Ironically, often when the roles available to teens dip, the skills have actually began to peak. Teens can share their talents in choruses or singing at nursing homes or hosting a benefit performance for a charity. I see these things happening all over the place, and  I think how amazing of this kid to use her talents during her “transition time” to help others.

As a mom, I remind myself that I am raising an adult, not a child. My kids will grow up.  They don’t “die” when they may not book as much or when they grow tall or their voices change.  The key for me is to remember that we are not chasing fame at all costs ( those families are a different beast) nor do I pursue immediate gratification of continued demonstrative success (i.e. big bookings) for my kids.  My very much alive teenage son is happy as ever. He is certainly not in any “dead zone” because if he continues to desire to perform there will be opportunities for him to give back and plenty of opportunities to train. He will certainly not wither and die until he turns 18!

A World of Abundance

When I started writing this blog, the purpose was and still remains to chronicle my journey as a stage advocate to my kids.  I sometimes write about things I have learned, or my feelings in a particular situation, or even specifics about what I am going through with my kids in “the biz”.  It is certainly not a “how to” guide or meant to portray myself as an expert on this topic.  I write this because it is my way to connect with other parents out there on a similar journey and because it helps me process my own experiences.  I am grateful that through this writing I have deepened my understanding of my own inner workings and in turn made some beautiful connections to other moms and dads out there.

I have had a life full of incredible blessings, and with this it is easy for me to believe in a world of abundance. So, you may ask, how does this relate to having children in show business?  Now, I have to admit that I wasn’t always this calm, cool and relaxed about all of this.  I have seriously EVOLVED in the last four years.  A good friend of mine used this phrase to describe how she felt when we were discussing kids landing roles over other kids. I don’t know if she remembers this conversation, as it happened four years ago on our first major tour, but it profoundly affected me and resonated deep. ( In fact I need to call her today as it has been a long time since we spoke.)  I in turn used the phrase to a friend who has two kids in the biz upon his son auditioning for something. I said, ” I believe in a world of abundance and that there is enough to go around in some capacity to every kid pursuing this.” He was not having it and let me know quite frankly that he disagreed. Ok, so I understand. Not every kid will land on Broadway; not every kid will do a feature film; not every kid has the “it” factor….

But this mind set of a world of abundance and that there is something out there for my kid, be it a student film, commercial, community theater, dance training- whatever it is- has helped me to avoid bad feelings in general. Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to be a cut throat stage mom(ew dirty word) at all costs. I cannot feel that way. Whatever little pangs of jealousy or disappointment I have when another kid is awarded a role over mine quickly dissipate. Some people use the phrase “it wasn’t meant to be” to help them overcome those feelings as well. I use the mind set that it is more like “spreading the love” that my child’s turn comes next or will come at some point in life. It is inevitable that many more blessings and opportunities will come my child’s way. If I only believed this when they started out NINE- yes NINE years ago, my mental health might have been a bit better earlier on.

So with this world of abundance, I also believe in Karma. This same friend and I talked about Karma often. I will help anyone who asks me for help in any way I am able. I believe that everything I do for others comes right back at my family. It has to because so many wonderful things happen to my family all the time. What we give out we get back! And, unlike many people trying to make a buck, I will not charge you to be your “consultant”. As I wrote, I am no expert, but I certainly have picked up a lot of knowledge, inside scoop and perspective over the years.  This business can certainly be a bit of a dog eat dog world, and as much as I may have succumbed to that years ago, it really serves no purpose. Life is too short to approach it that way.